My Mother-in-law Would Die If She Knew
If my mother in law knew we were having a baby shower a full month in advance of the baby’s anticipated arrival, she would die.
In Tajikistan- and possibly in most of the surrounding countries and many other countries in the world- one does not buy a baby anything (or anybody anything) or even mention the birth of the baby, practically- until the baby is 40 days old.
Once, when we were surveying households to determine the number of mosquito nets needed to account for population growth since an initial distribution, I encountered a household that numbered “eight or nine”.
The conversation went as follows:
“Are you the head of this household?”
“Yes, me and my wife is when I am in Russia working.”
“Very good, thank you. How many people life here?”
“Eight or nine.”
“Er… eight, or nine, then? We need this for our distributions.”
“Okay, let’s say eight then. Could be nine.”
“Well… this ninth person, do they live here permanently?”
“You see, the ninth is still very small. Can you write eight and a half?”
The father, who appeared in every way to be a totally sensible and educated man, could not bring himself to commit his new baby to existence when God could still take the child away. At the same time it seems he felt it equally bad luck (or perhaps, poor malaria-prevention planning) to deny the existence of the child. It’s one thing to mention that your wife has had a baby, but another entirely to have it written down in the books, already registered.
It turns out that this is a very common response in Tajikistan when it comes to household size survey questions.
This is because in Tajikistan, and in many poor and even less poor countries, babies are the first to die when anything happens. It also has strong roots in Islamic customs, though I suspect the 40-day policy is implemented slightly differently around the world among Muslims. You just don’t tempt God- pride cometh before a fall and all that.
So, in Tajikistan, nothing is prepared for the birth except a place in the Maternity Home (a section of the hospital or special hospital where Soviet mothers would have their babies). Once the baby is out safely, the materials for swaddling, etc. are gathered from the family. These must all be slightly used. Even the binky (pacifier) is not purchased new: an old binky is sterilized and given to the baby if he or she wants it. The only exception is among the most modern, Sovietized families in the cities, who might need to use disposable diapers and who may use formula (although these practices are still quite uncommon in most circles in the former U.S.S.R. because of the high cost). On the 40th day following the baby’s birth or so- sometimes it seems to be more like 20 days- the baby is given a shower and welcome and gets all new things.
Then the mother and new baby, if it’s the first, go back to the baby’s father’s house. (Women go back to their mother’s house for the birth of their first baby, so that the mother can help her daughter give birth- even if it’s in a hospital- and teach her daughter how to take care of the baby.)
I have come to respect this kind of caution. I used to tease my mother for being “superstitious” when she worried about us making too many plans in advance. My mother is not superstitious in any other way except to have always believed that as soon as you say something is sure, or that you are succeeding in something, it’s not going to happen. I guess I had not seen enough plans foiled in my young life to understand this, but she has been amazed that since I returned home, I had begun to share her fear of praising any effort without knocking on wood.
Nonetheless, we are still having a baby shower. There would be something to be said for having a post-baby shower - namely, that I could join in the champagne-drinking - but everyone kept asking us about a shower and we kind of got swept up in it. Now we are having two showers. One is for my mother’s friends at work and the other is for close friends and family. I know my husband does not fully approve but since I have conceded on many other Tajik customs, he is conceding for this one.
Still, I haven’t bought a thing for my sister-in-law’s upcoming baby, which is to be born about three or four months after mine. I would like to because it’s so much easier to get nice things at low prices here. But it’s one thing to jinx my own baby, on American soil, where these things don’t seem to count. It’s another to interfere with her baby’s fate. I’ll just have to have my mom buy something and send it over when the baby is born.
By the way- I would like to draw your attention to colleague and regular commentator Paul’s new aid worker blog aggregator at Aid Worker’s Network. It’s got a great feed from some of the best blogs I’ve linked to, and Paul has more recently weeded out the old and gone-home blogs. Take a look.
- Optimism | Time: 18.1.01 (UTC+8)
The Russian culture class I taught addressed this custom somewhat. I’m not sure if you’re interested in the origins, but according to the scholars, it comes from Russian pagan belief, dating WAY back to the 8th century (or before). The times right before birth and right after death were considered transitional — periods of time that the baby or lost soul could easily be corrupted and stolen by devils. For this reason, the name of the just born and just died could not be talked about in a direct sense, because to say the baby’s name out loud would be to call attention to it and give the devils the means to steal it’s soul. These traditions hang on in Russia — kept alive by the orthodox church, who turned the 40 day waiting period into a waiting period for baptism…and so they exist today.
Comment by Karla — 08.09.2006 @ 20.1.45
My Croatian co-worker just had her baby and refused to talk about her baby’s name at all. It drove my co-workers nuts! Her shower will be in a few weeks- post-birth. Think of it this way- you can have two showers!
Comment by Shannon — 09.09.2006 @ 07.1.57
Er, three showers since you’re already having two…nevermind.
Comment by Shannon — 09.09.2006 @ 07.1.26
Karla- I seriously doubt that my Tajik, Muslim mother-in-law’s beliefs go back to Russian pagan beliefs.
However, it does seem that once, we probably all observed such customs and it is really interesting to hear about the Russian tradition for this!
Shannon- Is she Muslim? I have only told a very few people about the names we are considering (all are blood relations or very close friends- never tell the midwife even).
Comment by Administrator — 09.09.2006 @ 16.1.32
She’s Catholic but her husband’s Muslim.
Comment by Shannon — 09.09.2006 @ 23.1.15
Oh, how cool. I know a Serbian man with a Bosnian wife- which is super uncommon, a Muslim woman with a Christian husband- and they were so sympathetic with us. I wonder whether she is following her own or her husband’s traditions on this point.
Comment by Administrator — 10.09.2006 @ 00.1.59
I know the baby will be Catholic, but it doesn’t seem like it’s that major of a deal in her household. I think she’s following both her and her husband’s tradtions (She grew up in Bosnia, but is ethnically Croatian).
Comment by Shannon — 10.09.2006 @ 00.1.50
Really interesting. Afghans do follow the 40 day rule (don’t take them outside before the 40 days) but we have baby showers in the U.S. any old time…
Comment by Asiyah — 10.09.2006 @ 07.1.50
Asiyah, that is very interesting about the baby shower. I think it seems more reasonable, because there is an obvious purpose to keeping the baby inside, whereas planning ahead is something that can’t really hurt the baby, it’s more superstitious. My husband doesn’t mind so much about the shower but he doesn’t want his family to know because it would just worry them.
Comment by Administrator — 10.09.2006 @ 19.1.20
Elizabeth — although the tradition probably isn’t exactly the same as the Russian tradition, I have read things that suggest that the nomadic tribes wandering the areas of southern Russia, the middle east, persia, and the “stans” were one and the same. Though I’m not saying that it definitely comes from the same place, it is possible that these areas had some common roots. Also, don’t underestimate the power of the communist regime for spreading traditions without really talking about the roots!
Comment by Karla — 11.09.2006 @ 00.1.35
Karla- Well, the Indo-European tribes were certainly all connected thousands of years ago. But Persians have a very specific identity, and so do Muslims, that is separate from the Soviet identity and which separated from the Slavs thousands of years ago. It’s easy to see which is which because you can just look and see whether practices are more similar in Kabul and Teheran, or in Moscow. In this case, it’s definitely Kabul and Teheran, especially as all of these practices have roots in the Qu’ran. However I would not be surprised if many traditions and practices originated before even the Slavs, Indians and Iranian peoples split off from one another.
It’s also worth noting that non-assimilated Russians don’t practice this in the same way as Tajiks.
Comment by Administrator — 11.09.2006 @ 02.1.39
On a lighter note, happy baby shower!
Comment by Bill Day — 13.09.2006 @ 02.1.28
I didn’t buy anything aside from a car seat for my son until after he was born. That was in part due to superstition, but it was also because I wanted to get to know him first. And it was a good thing I waited too - he was so huge that none of the things that I would have bought for him would have fit!
Comment by Sylvana — 13.09.2006 @ 04.1.29
Bill- Thanks!
Sy- Yeah… I thought about that but then I thought, don’t really want to go shopping afterwards. All the stuff is 0 - 3 months and looks pretty big so we hope it’ll be okay. We don’t know the sex, though… more on baby clothes complaints later.
Comment by Administrator — 13.09.2006 @ 05.1.49
Thanks for mentioning the aggregator! We’re continuing to develop it - adding new blogs, so please send any links you think are worth following - and any feedback is welcome. I’m so glad we’ve finally got it off the ground… it’s been brewing in my head for about two years now!
Comment by Paul C — 25.09.2006 @ 10.1.32
Great commentary on a culture I really know nothing about! (not just this post, but I stopped here and decided I’d read enough to comment!)
I will definitely be back for more reading! Thanks
Comment by Lori — 25.09.2006 @ 11.1.16
My girlfriend is Russian from s. Siberia. Women in her family don’t announce pregnancy until it’s obvious. She says it’s “just in case.” Even then there is a bit of not counting it until its there feeling, though not to the extreme that you mention.
Comment by ElamBend — 02.10.2006 @ 20.1.02
Paul- anytime.
Lori- Thanks!
EB- I didn’t announce it, either. But that’s just prudent. Something like 50% of all pregnancies end in the first month, and a good other 30 - 40% end before the end of the third month. This applies even in the west- usually it’s nature’s way of rooting out genetic mishaps. I couldn’t believe it when my sister’s friend announced her baby at one month. I told only the people whom I’d be willing to inform of a miscarriage, until the end of the 14th week.
Comment by Administrator — 03.10.2006 @ 07.1.55